


If only

by Hanavia



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Mages (Dragon Age), Rumors, Templars (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22931485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanavia/pseuds/Hanavia
Summary: Although the Circle is as much a prison as a refuge, it is hard for Solona Amell to decide whether she wants to become a Grey Warden or not.Not only her friends keep her in the Circle, there is the young Templar Cullen she's been in love for quite a while...
Relationships: Anders/Female Warden (Dragon Age), Female Amell/Cullen Rutherford
Kudos: 1





	If only

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a translation of my Dragon Age fanfic with the same title. It's originally written in German, if it sounds a little off, that's why. Thanks for your attention. I hope you'll enjoy the ride :D

  
"Templar Cullen is rumoured to be in love with you, didn't you know?"

Doubtful, Solona raised her eyebrow and gave her blonde companion a suspicious look, because she was visibly irritated by the other mage's words. She forced an unnatural smile on herself and tossed her hair profusely over her shoulder. "That's not a very good joke, Lana."

"It seems to me that you haven't noticed," the blonde magician deduced.

"Why don't you tell me what I noticed? Cullen, as you have already discovered yourself, is a Templar," she took a short break to take a deep breath. "He is watching me because I am a mage, just as every other mage in the tower gets a critical look because they think we are very dangerous." Her blue eyes shrunk to thin slits as she gave her partner a sharp look and without noticing it herself, her hands automatically moved to her hips. " Rumours, or whatever you want to call it, can do great harm if they fall into the wrong hands. I could be punished for your sharp tongue."

Solona lowered her hands and turned her back to Elana, knowing that not many more words were needed as the young magician stared at her with shock-widened eyes.

As she strolled along the corridor she thought of who might have told Elana about the rumour. As much as she sometimes clashed with her, she couldn't believe that her nemesis was capable of inventing such rumours. She was fond of all the gossip, but she had never been able to invent it herself. She was simply not bright enough to do so.

When she thought about who knew her little secret, she could only think of one person who could confirm the truth of these "rumours" and, if necessary, expose her. Reluctantly she stopped. Perhaps she should now pay a visit to this very person.

Determinedly she took up the trail, followed the long, slim circle towards the dormitory and almost frantically opened the door to the boys' quarters, so that some of those present jerked anxiously together. Searching, she looked around the room, but her eyes did not find what she was looking for. She ran a few steps further, but found only the magicians who shared the sleeping compartment with her best friend. It was more than she currently had, so she approached the pair.

"Have you seen Jowan? I cannot find him." She felt that she sounded upset and took a deep breath for the second time that day.

Kilean and Bae were intimidated accordingly by the young redhead whose azure eyes were searching vigorously for answers. One of the two had almost quickly regained his composure. "He's in the library," he stammered slightly surprised.

Solona hastily bowed and left the room, knowing that she had attracted everyone's attention. But actually she didn't care if she was noticed. The more she thought about what Lana had told her, the more upset she became. ...because in fact, there was only one student she told about her true feelings for the Templar. Whether the rumor was that she liked him or he liked her, it made her angry. On the other hand, she did not want to believe that Jowan would willingly reveal her secrets. On the other hand, she never got close enough to Cullen that anyone could have spread those rumors.

She had always looked at him from a distance and had never even come close, let alone talked to him. That left her with Jowan.

As soon as he was in sight, she quickened her steps and was almost beside herself with rage. "You!", she murmurred, pulling him up by the shoulder, which caused him and his chair to almost tip over. For until then he had been sitting peacefully at the table, studying with a book in his hand. At the last moment he was able to hold himself straight, but the chair still tipped over and the noise echoed through the library, so that this time all eyes were again on Solona.

With a bright red face, she let go of him and Jowan gazed at her from grey eyes in disgust. "What is your problem, Solona Amell?" he pressed out between his clenched teeth. He was visibly upset, and the magician was actually sorry to have caused such a fuss again.

Visibly calmer she continued: "What is my problem, you want to know?" She gasped for breath, her nostrils flared dangerously. "Lana's brought an interesting gossip to my attention and I think I'm gonna kill you for it."

Her lips shaped into a narrow smile and a few hair fringes fell into her face.

She was obviously very convincing, for Jowan stumbled a few steps away from her and hesitantly asked, "What have I done?"  
"I've just been told that", she began to whisper - continued to stroll towards him, so that the two of them were now standing alone in an aisle between two high bookshelves - "a certain Templar must like me very much. But, insanely, I told no one but you about it. Strange, isn't it?"  
Jowan just looked pitiful. "Why should I? We are friends, Solona." Stealthily he whispered the words.

"Who else would spread such rumours about me? I am sure someone got wind of my feelings and is now telling this story to hurt me," the magician suspected. "If they did not get it from you, then who did?"  
" Rumour has it that he likes you, right? What if there was something to that? That should make you happy," remarked the dark-haired man.  
"Are you mad? If anyone believes that, Cullen might be pulled off the guard and used elsewhere. Then I might not see him again. You know, they're very paranoid. If I can't see Cullen again after this, how can this view make me happy?" Solona's eyes dropped and she leaned exhausted against one of the bookshelves. She knew she would never have a chance with Cullen, not only since today, but it always hurt to admit it to herself.

"I swear to you, Solona, I never said a word. To no one," her friend affirmed his innocence and gave her an honest smile, because he sensed how sad she was about the situation. He did not wish to see her so sad. "I really don't know who wants to harm you in this situation. I mean that quite honestly, but perhaps, just perhaps, you are indeed lucky. Maybe he really likes you and others have noticed. Maybe he really does pay more attention to you than the others, who knows. But you shouldn't drive yourself crazy with it," he tried to cheer her up.

"Jowan, it is sweet how you care for me and try to help me. But you know exactly why the church and every single Templar in this tower fear us. They are here because they are afraid of us, that is why they lock us away. Because we become fucking abominations if we are not under their control. And every Templar here hates us for what we are. There can never, ever be love. Just because I was stupid enough to fall in love with one doesn't mean he feels the same way about me. It hurts to think about it, but in the end, I understand. It would only interfere with them doing their job if we actually became abominations." She took a deep breath and increasingly felt the anger escape from her stomach. "All I can do is not punish him for things he cannot control. So I will find whoever is spreading these rumours and I will silence them."

Her face lowered and a dark shadow lay over it, causing Jowan to panic slightly. Waiting, he looked at her and their eyes met.  
"What?" she hissed, cleared her throat briefly, then looked up again. "I will not kill anyone. But... if the person thinks they have to annoy me, I have to at least make sure they won't do it a second time," she explained to herself, which didn't calm Jowan in any way, of course.

"And how are you going to do that, Solona?", he added carefully. At the same moment, he regretted his question, because his friend was not only stubborn, she was also very temperamental at times. Although he admired both of her qualities, he was also filled with awe because he thought of how difficult it was to judge her in such a situation. She was now unpredictable.

The young magician dragged him out of the hallway, peered over the edge of the shelves and began to scout the students who were at the large table in the middle of the library. "It must have been one of them. I will find them. Who do you think the babbler might be," she asked Jowan, hanging on every observation that happened in the room.

Then she looked over to the Templar guard who stood on the wall and was supposed to keep watch. The man was wearing his Templar helmet, so all you could see of his face was a narrow slit from which tired eyes gazed out. She did not need to know his face to know who was in the armour. For she could recognize Bran by his posture - leaning against the wall and with sunken shoulders. 

The students would often tell each other that he was just standing there sleeping, so important private conversations were often postponed to here. So Solona would have an easy time tracking down the culprit.

"Solona, are you listening to me?" Jowan waved his hand in front of her face, so that she shot up out of her thoughts.  
"I was thinking," she murmured and sought eye contact with the male magician. "What were you talking about?"  
"We should probably ask the person who told you about the rumour. She'll know who she heard it from. Kind of like a chain of people, you know?"

Amused, Solona giggled unexpectedly. "I'd rather not. Lana looked at me like I was about to kill her. In fact, I think I may have become a little insulting by her standards. I don't think she'd be able to spot anything like that. If you didn't tell her, she would have had to figure it out all by herself. She may be a blabbermouth, but she's just not bright enough for the job."  
"You really don't like her, do you?" Jowan smiled at the situation and let his eyes wander through the room as well.  
"Anyway, it's her fault that Crumbs has disappeared," Solona whispered insulted.

Crumbs was a small field mouse that Solona had found one night under her dresser, half-starved and shivering. The mage had nursed and cared for the animal for weeks, secretly giving away her food and letting it rest in a small box that she had stolen from the hospital room. One morning, when it was time to wake Solona, Lana had discovered the box and, of course, told everyone about it. Since animals had not been allowed in the circle, they had taken Crumbs from her and released the small animal into the wild.

Maybe it was only a few weeks, but she had grown fond of the little black ball of fur and Lana had maneuvered herself into a friendly end.

Solona often thought of the times when the mouse had escaped to the remotest parts of the tower and she and Jowan had tried again and again to free it from difficult situations. They had to search for it for hours, but they had had fun doing so.

She hadn't remember much of her time outside the circle, but she had liked animals even as a child in the time before the circle of the Magi and so she was glad if at least something didn't remind her of being locked up here. Therefore she resented Lana. She had chosen her as her personal archenemy, but she was very sure that the blonde wasn't bright enough to reveal her little secret.

Yeah, she was in love with a Templar. And sometimes she got lost in his hazel eyes, yes, but she had never told anyone except Jowan, and she had never written a word in her diary, though the words were literally on the tip of her tongue.

Here in the circle of Magi, feelings were completely out of place. Templars often took advantage of them to harass magicians they didn't like, so no one here ever made public confessions to anyone. But loving a Templar was far worse than loving a fellow magician, Solona knew that only too well. The nightly wanderings through other beds that some mages made here were never an option for a Templar.

Solona often wondered whether the Templars were allowed to live out this type of passion at all, after all, they served the church, which in turn forbade their priestesses to associate with men. Did the same thing apply to Templars?

  
Sighing, she sat down at the table, armed with a book, and continued to stare at the other students over the book. If she wanted to find the culprit, she had to become almost invisible.

Jowan looked down at her and did the same, but looked at her questioningly. "Are we observing anyone in particular?" he whispered to her.  
"No", Solona replied simply.  
"So how do you want to proceed?" Jowan cleared his throat. "Solona~!"  
Again the addressed person pulled herself together. "What is it, Jowan?" she whispered, a little annoyed.  
"I want to help you with your problem," he explained to her open-heartedly and something flared up in his eyes that she defined as curiosity.  
"What do you hope to gain from this?" muttered the girl with the red hair apathetically.  
"Occupation?" whispered the magician next to her and grinned at her crookedly. "Really, I would like to help you Or don't you want me to?" His eyes suddenly became as big as a puppy's and the fact that he was unaware of his reaction put the magician off.  
Surrendered the Amell sighed and gave him a sly look. "Good, then we'll work together on this case."


End file.
